Takeaway: The fantasy of being ordered around, spanked, and generally coerced to perform sexual acts can seem thrilling. The question for those who haven’t actually done it, however, is where to start.
A submissive is an individual who willingly relinquishes control to another person, usually to satisfy a sexual urge. If you’re here reading this, chances are the thought of relinquishing control to another person has piqued your interest or has even gotten your sexual juices flowing, so to speak. Think you’re odd?
Don’t worry – you’re not weird. Far from it, really. In fact becoming sexually submissive is one of the most common sexual fantasies.
- 5-10% of Americans engages in sadism/masochism (S/M) practices for sexual pleasure at least occasionally.
- 12% of women and 22% of men reported erotic response to an S/M story.
- 55% of women and 50% of men reported having responded erotically to being bitten.
- 14% of men and 11% of women have had some sexual experience with sadomasochism.
- 11% of men and 17% of women reported trying bondage.
Clearly, for many people, the fantasy of being ordered around, spanked and generally coerced to perform sexual acts can seem thrilling. The question for those who haven’t actually done it, however, is where to start. And if you want to be a submissive, what do you really need to know? Here are some steps to take.
Becoming a submissive is not a decision that should be made lightly. Before you decide to take the plunge and put yourself at the mercy of another, educate yourself on all things submission.
First, some excellent books have been written on the subject of submission and dominance, and there are some very valuable online communities that cater to both veterans and novices
Another way to learn more about what it’s like to become a submissive is to attend a “munch”. A “munch” (short for “burger munch”) is a casual social gathering for individuals interested in the dominant/submissive lifestyle. Attending these gatherings is a great way to connect with experienced individuals and learn more about the lifestyle.
Determine If You’re Really the Submissive Type
Not surprisingly, submissive behavior typically comes very naturally to true submissives. But how can you tell if you’re a true submissive?
Generally, true submissives have a desire to please a more dominant person and may even be turned on by the thought of being humiliated or overpowered. But don’t think for a second that all submissives bend to everyone’s whims in their everyday lives. Some submissives are individuals in truly powerful positions who simply want a release from their responsibilities from time to time. On the flip side, however, if submitting to another person turns you off, being a submissive probably isn’t for you. Instead, you could look into becoming a dominant or even a switch (someone who participates in BDSM as both a dominant and a submissive).
Finally, ask yourself honestly why you want to become a submissive. Is it because you truly enjoy the idea of relinquishing power to a dominant person? Or is it because your partner wants to dominate you? Remember that dominant/submissive relationships must always be consensual. Never become a submissive if you feel that you’re being pressured into it.
Determine Your Level of Submission
There are a few different distinct levels of dominance and submission. Some people, for instance, simply use dominance and submission to add a little spice to their sex lives. This typically includes fantasy role-playing in the bedroom from time to time, with some light spanking, dirty talk or bondage. (Read more about how to mix it up in Why Bondage Can Be So Much Fun.)
Part-time submissives find that the submissive lifestyle is a much more important part of their lives. They may transform into a submissive during certain times, such as during sex or when visiting a BDSM club. They will often invest in outfits and other props, but won’t usually let their role interfere with other areas of their lives.
Full-time submissives, on the other hand, are usually the hard-core players in the BDSM game. These types of submissives may even be looking to live in a full-time dominant/submissive relationship. They will usually relinquish all control to their dominate in most – if not all – areas of their lives. Many of these relationships also involve signed contracts. In some ways, they are very similar to marriage – although, of course, most marriages these days have much less of a power imbalance.
As with all things in life, when it comes to dominance and submission, it’s usually best to start small and work your way up. Maybe try a little fantasy role-playing before you completely submit to a full-time dominant, for example.
Know Your Limits
Does the thought of being caned make you want to cower in the corner? Do handcuffsand spreader bars raise your hackles? As you delve into the world of dominance and submission, you’re bound to come across more than a few things that test your comfort zone. You know what we’re talking about – the things that make you go “Yikes!” Don’t let these things turn you off of submission completely, though. Keep in mind that just just because others enjoy something doesn’t mean that you have to. Know your limits and stand firm!
While communication is important in any relationship, it’s absolutely essential in a dominant/submissive relationship. Now’s not the time to be shy; if you’re uncomfortable with the thought of sharing your innermost sexual desires and turn-offs it can really affect your safety – not to mention whether you enjoy your encounters. As a submissive, you must be willing and able to openly communicate with your partner or partners to ensure that all sex play is truly consensual.
Before a scene or relationship begins, you and your partners should share your wants, desires, and sexual fantasies. However, it is equally important to make your partners aware of any turn-offs and limits you may have. Make your limits known and set boundaries as soon as possible.
Put Safety First
In recent years, the term “safe, sane and consensual” has become something of a motto for the BDSM community and BDSM play. If you’re looking into BDSM play for the first time, or even if you’re a hardened veteran, safety should be a No.1 priority.
To be clear, whether you’re flogging someone or submitting them to some other delicious torture, there is an element of danger or potential harm in any BDSM activity. Always take the time to learn how to properly and safely use any toys and props, and always establish a safeword before beginning any BDSM play. This simple word or phrase can be spoken by a submissive at any time they want to slow down or stop a scene, no questions asked. Of course, words like “stop” and “no” should also be avoided when choosing a safeword, since they can often be used to heighten the excitement during a scene.
Distinguish Fantasy from Reality
If you’re willing to take that first step into a dominant/submissive relationship, it’s imperative that you’re able to distinguish fantasy from reality. Unless you have another arrangement, you and your dominant should keep in mind that your role-playing is just that – playing.
Don’t let your dominant’s words and actions get to you, and maintain your self-respect. However, remember that unless you communicate with your dominant, he or she will simply assume that you’re satisfied with how your relationship is going. Of course, if your partner doesn’t respect you enough to stop overstepping your limits, respect yourself enough to end the relationship.
Don’t expect to read a few articles on the Internet and then be able to call yourself a submissive. No matter how eager you are to learn and experiment, you won’t become a submissive overnight. Becoming a true submissive takes a great deal of time and patience. In fact, many submissives may even go through a formal “training” period, which can take months or even years.
And if you do decide to open this new chapter in your life, have fun with it. You may choose to close it in the future, or it may become a big part of who you are. Either way, learn what you can from the experience and, most importantly, enjoy it!
One of the acts of Submissives is Double Penetration (DP)
So what is Double Penetration?
Double Penetration seems like it might be self explanatory but many people don’t truly understand what it is or how it works. DP is most commonly seen as someone with a vagina being penetrated in both their vagina and anus by two people with penises. However, if we strip away the binary and heteronormative expectations of this description, there are a vast number of additional ways to interpret the term double penetration. There are so many ways to be dual penetrated for many types of bodies and in many scenarios. For example, you could choose penetration in two separate holes or dual penetrate one orifice. There are also ways to explore what you get penetrated with and by whom. Will a partner be using their penis or a strap-on and an additional toy or dildo? Will this be a group activity with two or more partners, or even a solo masturbation exploration? There are many ways that double penetration can be explored and tailored to your circumstances.
Double penetration can be pleasurable in many different ways. The ‘filled up’ / ‘stretched’ feeling from being DP’d can be intensely pleasurable for people with all types of bodies. Additionally, extra pressure on either the G spot or P spot can intensify orgasms. Because of its taboo history, some people find double penetration a naughty and therefore very mentally arousing act. DP can be combined with other fantasies and desires like threesomes/group sex, strap-on play, toy use, and dominance/submission.
How to prepare
Like most things in life and sex, preparation is key to having a positive DP experience. Firstly, you need to decide who (if anyone) is going to participate and have a discussion beforehand. Aside from the typical consent, STI, and pregnancy prevention conversations, be sure that everyone has a clear understanding of what double penetration is and what role they will be playing. Discuss everyone’s boundaries, experience, and concerns, while also planning any additional elements you want to incorporate into this fantasy (like some BDSM play or roleplay).
Next you need to get your toys and tools! Lube is a universal must for a comfortable and enjoyable DP experience, no matter what the arrangement is. Opt for a long lasting body-safe lubricant and keep it on hand during during the experience. If you’re planning on using silicone toys, a thick water-based lube like Sliquid’s Organic Natural Gel Water-based Lube is ideal. A silicone lube will offer longer-lasting playtime with a smoother feel — great for when no silicone toys are being used. Check out Uberlube silicone based lube.
If you are the receiver in your DP arrangement, have authority over the insertibles that will be used. If you’re using toys and plugs, be sure you are comfortable with the size and shape, possibly spending some time exploring them solo before any partnered play happens. Sometimes it can be helpful to have a few sizes of dildos and plugs available to be able to adjust your plan if toys seem too filling or not enough.
If you are using harnesses, try them on beforehand to make sure they’re comfortable, adjusted to the right size, and can be used in the right position. Remember there are many harness styles, including single dildo harnesses, double dildo harnesses, and even harnesses that can be strapped onto your thigh. No matter what your experience or ability, there are toys available to match your needs.
Getting it on
It’s essential that everyone is comfortable and relaxed, especially the person who is being penetrated. Having an orgasm (or a few!) before can help relax the pelvic and anal muscles, making any further penetration easier. This is especially helpful for vagina owners.
Position is extremely important. The key is to find a position that allows the person being penetrated to adjust the angle via tilting their hips while also having control over the depth. Variations on doggy style, ‘cowgirl’, missionary, and spooning work well but it may take a few adjustments to ensure everyone is comfortable. Sex wedges and pillows can come in handy in helping you achieve some bedroom acrobatics that double penetration can entail.
Refrain from diving straight in and instead take your time to work up to the main event. Remember, double penetration is an intense feeling so starting with just one toy or penis can help you ease into the situation. When the person who is receiving feels comfortable and consents, start adding additional penetration via fingers and smaller toys before doubling up. Try incorporating extra stimulation via the clit, nipples, perineum, or penis to add even more pleasurable sensations.
Don’t be disappointed if DP doesn’t work out for you the first time. It takes practice for your body to get used to such an intense sensation so it may require a couple of tries for it to feel right. Be flexible with your original plan and don’t be discouraged if you need to adapt or change course.